A couple of vids...

Courtesy of Ian from Team MidlifeKrysis;

This is the one from Joe from Team Bugsplat;

If you were a 2011 Competitor, please forward on your vids and I'll patch them in.  Would be nice to have loads in one place.

Savage.

The blog will be resumed shortly - loads to catch up on - silly engine, silly height, silly silly fun.

Does a Gruff shit in the woods?

Right, this is the last of the Scumrun 2011 posts.  It's a sad fact, but true.  The following is coverage of the last day leading from a frozen bloody hill to home.  It covers Germany, France, Belgium and the UK.  A long day with a lot to share.  Those of you that like a smoke, go and roll a fat one.  Those of you that like a drink, fill your glasses for today, we raise a toast to those that made it, those that didn't start it, and those that fall in the category in-between.

A few good friends were made along the way and a few very good friends were also made.  We've endured tantrums, breakdowns, arguments, piss taking and recognition for our trouble.  A lot of companies and individuals have been involved in getting the car ready and offering parts / sponsorship, donations and without these, we wouldn't have achieved as much as we did.

I'm sure I'm going to miss people out but, massive thanks to (in no particular order):
Dodo Juice, Creations in Vinyl, HSP Havant signs and Plastics, Triangle Cars, Paul @ PM Electricals, FEOC-UK, Escort Cabriolet Club, David Scraton, Ed White, Jon from Love those Photos, Jon from Endless Summer Campers, Everyone at Voltz International, Sheeepwear, Phoenix Independent Midwives, Jake Bullet Cybernautics, Mark Loveday, David Savage, Rita Varley, Morag Smith, Maria Savage, Ian @ Team Midlife Krysis, Jo & Dave (Team Bugsplat), Jon & Kelly (Team Blind Panic), Hill & Billy (Polo), Marc and James (Topscum), Amanda Simmonds, Christopher Hightower Flint, Allen (Marine Iguana), SlimJim, Wesley Potter, Jon Sabine, Varnie, Alaistair Cummins, Adam Norton, Neston Vasey, Maxine Cheshire, Mick Cheshire, Tesco Petersfield Store, Ken Wood, Louise George, Lee Groves.

We're waiting to hear about a finance injection at this point that will let us know if we are in it for next year or not, but a lot of improvements / waste of bloody time and money (depending which of us you listen to) have taken place to ensure that those buggers in their beemers do not steal the show the next time we rock up.  Those mods will be covered in following blogs but lets get 2011 over and done with.  A lot of fun was had and I would love to go back next year although not entirely sure if Gruff is as keen as I am.  Maybe there will be a co-pilot seat up for grabs...  Maybe not.

Now thats done I can relax and go about my story telling ways.

So far, we have covered a lot of miles, had a lot of fun, had a lot of not fun.  Met British, French and German police and some of the finest auto electricians that Germany has to offer.

We knew when we woke up that the final destination was going to be Calais.  That was pretty obvious as last day and we had booked the ferry.  We had no idea of checkpoints on the way so had a think about that whilst scoffing a lovely laid out breakfast.  Lots of meat, cheese and other continental stuff that the human body craves.  And cigarettes.  Lots and lots of cigarettes.  We were running low so a detour through Belgium was inevitable as they are close to Calais and cheap. 

Having had breakfast we awaited the route cards to tell us the checkpoints.  During this time I started to take the tent down.  Not only was it a git to put up, it was still proving to be a git to put down.  I offered it to a couple of teams free to collect as I wasn't intending to use it again and I was having a tantrum that it didn't want to collapse.  No-one wanted it so I was happy to just lave the poxy thing there.  Gruff decided to have a paddy as well about me littering the campsite with a tent so a few poles probably got bent / broken but it ended up inside the car.

During the destruction of the tent we found that at some point over night, a mystery donor had let us have a pair of pants by our flap.  Mens pants so not even worth a sniff.  We all blamed each other and when no-one was looking I taped them to the back of the FTO.  The FTO boys spotted them and again, stealthily attached them to the polo.  Last time I saw them, they were hanging off the vovlo tow bar like a flag (although 've been told some bugger taped them to our car after that so god alone knows where those mystery pants are now).

Ed summoned us all to give us our route cards in his usual jump on the bonnet method.

The route cards contained no surprises, Bruges central, Eastenders cash and carry (Calais) and the ferry port by 8 PM.  A lot of miles to cover, but mostly motorway so nothing should go wrong.  Our electrics were fine, the Volvo seemed OK, the MX-5 sounded rough but ran, Polo was still showing signs of being the best built car in the world and the FTO was OK providing no tight corners as their turning circle seemed to be getting bigger on a daily basis.

We left the campsite with no drama and followed Jon & Kelly trusting their satnav to lead the way.  After a couple of miles of trading estate, we decided to go rogue and made a breakaway with just us, FTO's and Polo boys.  It's our last day and we wanted to end it competitively so gave the cars a run in the direction we thought was a good idea.  Turns out we were right and made very very good time at a steady 80-90 as it took several hours before all the usual early finishers passed us.

Absolutely, precisely nothing of interest took place betwen the campsite and Bruges.  We stopped off a couple of times for fuel and so Gruff could wee against various bushes and buildings but thats about it.

However.  Ths is where it gets good / bad.  We arrived in Bruges well before we had intended to and things were looking like we may knock in a fast time.  All we needed was 1 photo of the cars near the bell tower and we were good to head to Calais.  The first thing we noticed about the city was cyclists.  And how it appears they must have priority over cars as they didnt ever look.  We really noticed this as Gruff nearly took out a particularly fat woman on a pushbike when turning right.  The next thing we noticed was how a lot of the route into the center was tight one way streets. 

We were still going fine and trying to find the best place to stop when we got the CB messag from behind us "STOPPPPPPPPPP".  We radio'd back to see what was wrong but a couple of things occurred simultaneously - 1.  We were out of range which meant the FTO must have stopped completely as wehad carried on, and 2.  Gruff's breakfast hadn't agreed with him at all.  The poor Hillbillies behind had no idea what was going on as the FTO had disappeared behind them and we shot forward like some sort of speed test attempt through the traffic and red traffic lights.  Gruff was driving and his poo had started.  He needed to find a toilet.  May settle for a layby, but this time, I thought, a toilet would be used.  The hillbillies kept up and broke the same traffic laws as we did and parked in behind us at the roadside just in time to watch Gruff dive into a hedge.  This hedge on one side featured a busy main city road and a childrens park on the other.  The next thing the polo boys spotted was a toilet roll being flung into the bushes by me laughing.  Gruff couldn't hold it.  The age old question "Does a Gruff shit in the woods" had been answered - No, he craps in a bush.

As I got out of the car to explain to Hill & Billy what old age does to your bowel strength, my phone rang. Five sounded scared.  Very scared.  I could just about make him out over the top of the blaring horns and angry foreign shouting at the other end of the phone.  This didn't bode well.  As far as I could make out, he needed a jack.  Can't be that much of a problem if they just needed a jack so I checked where they were and once Gruff had finished we headed off to where we had last seen them.  In the maze of tight one way streets.  It didn't take long until we got stuck in a huge traffic jam that definately wasn't there 15 minutes ago.  We had found them.  I took the jack out of our boot and swiftly ran towards the front of the queue.  Then I jogged.  I passed a few scumrunners in the jam and gave a friendly wave.  Then I wheezed a bit.  Then back to running.  The backlog these guys had caused was immense.

I finally got to where they had chosen to have their issue.  Right on the corner of a junction linking 2 one way streets into a bottleneck.  They had blocked Bruges city center at rush hour.  Nothing as simple as a flat, their driveshaft had come off.  This in laymans terms means the wheel had fallen off and slammed the car onto it's nose. 

What they needed to do, was jack the car back up, jack the hub up, raise the suspension, put the wheel back on, tighen the bolts and off we could go.  After about 20 minutes or so of this, we found it wasn't that easy as one of the nuts that held the wheel on had sheared completely.  In addition, we needed another jack.  As I jogged my way back through the jam I came across Team Add Energy (remember them - last seen on route to A&E in Czech Republic) and borrowed their jack.

I got back to the FTO with the addtional jack just in time to watch Marc giving his details to a copper.  It turns out if you block their main roads, they charge you.  If you block it for an hour, they tow you.  And charge for that.  And store your car.  They charge for that too.  Things are really starting to look bleak at the hour marker as we had the town planner on site diverting buses across the pedestrianised square, the chief commisioner had popped down to see why he was getting so many complaints and we had a few other traffic cops trying to divert / calm people down.  The only upside that we could see was that if they had decided to tow away, we had an hour headstart and the tow truck would be caught in the carnage.


http://www.facebook.com/v/10150167607576428

This is where we had several traffic cops diverting people to drive over the pavement to free traffic flow.

I figured it was probably at this point sensible to let Ed know what we had done to his reputation in Bruges so I filmed the situation, posted it on Facebook, and told him to take a look.  He laughed the hearty laugh of someone watching christians get thrown to the lions.  Good to see we had made his day :)

After 2 hours of blocking the heart of their city, the locals really were starting to get upset.  I popped across the road to get something to eat in a Subway, and as soon as they noted the english accent and oily clothing they figured their staff member stuck in traffic was something to do with me.  I'm not entirely certain that when you ask for a bit of everything in your roll they are meant to spit in it or maybe it's just a Belgian custom.

By the three hour marker the coppers had enough.  A tow truck WILL be called.  Marc agreed that this was the best course of action and agreed that who-ever turned up first could have the car.  Would their AA recovery beat the cities own recovery truck was the only thing that mattered now.  With the wheel still not attached it wouldn't make it onto any truck but we would let the recovery guys figure that one out.  As Officer Caroline (we had come to know her by now) started to write out an enormous fine that rare thing happened.  I was glad to be in the presence of an officer of British law.  A sneaky flip of warrant card and a "I'm one of you wink" seemed to suffice and the fine was ignored.  Oh happy days. 

The AA contractor rocked up, and finished off the hard work that Hill had started with a minimal tool kit but knowledge like a Haynes manual and got the car on the back of the truck.  Oh well, game over then, lets follow the tow truck to Calais?

No.

This is where it starts to get interesting and just a little surreal.  The truck has the FTO on the back and 5 & 0 inside.  Doesn't speak English but has taken a real liking to 0 and his pretty little mouth.  A few re-assuring touches to the leg doesn't re-assure him at all.  We got the text message "I'm going to be raped" and he actually believed it as we were driving towards somewhere other than Calais.  As we got a couple of miles away into a small residential area the driver stoppped and we joined them.  Turns out he had been told to collect the car, but not where to take it.  We waited whilst he tried to arrange somewere to leave it and 0 tried to climb into one of our cars to avoid the scary man.

We got going and ended up with the FTO being dropped off at  car hire place / garage.  OK, it's obvious now.  Hire car to Calais, FTO will follow when fixed?  Nope.  The guy would take the FTO but not give a car back in return.  Apparantly he was only there to store the knackered Mitsubishi and not help out any further.  This meant that our ridiculously small boot needed to take some of 5 & 0's possessions and some needed to go into the back of the polo.  The AA would arrange for a hire car to be provided in the next few hours.

Beep Beep - Ice cream (private convoy smile moment)

A few more phone calls and the AA said they would pay the recovery driver a fortune to get the stricken FTO onto the ferry.  Obviously, we missed the ferry we had booked but hoped P&O would be OK about it.

Whilst waiting for AA to confirm in writing (fax) we went for a explore around this guys grage.  What looked like flour was dotted around most of the damaged cars and it turns out these were stolen and crashed and awaiting fingerprint type stuff.  I think this proved too much for one of us (not sure who) but when we left, there was a smiley face drawn on one of them. 

Another interesting couple of finds were a Harley (brand new except for import mileage) and a superbike that the garage owner was desperately trying to sell to us.  Then he showed us the bike that had been brought in that day with the front half folded under the back half with blood across it.  Not the best way to sell a bike but maybe the belgians do it differently.  "You buy bike.  It's quick.  It's safe.  Here's one where someone died.  It's yours for 3,000 Euros". 

Hill and Billy have gone back to normal and are no longer the genius mechanics they were an hour or so ago, merely magpies rummaging through the guys bins.  The biggest grin cam across Hills face when he saw a numberplate  in the bin....  "Can I have this please?"  The guy said ok so then they started eyeing up the written off cars trying to steal sun visors and god knows what.

Having unloaded and reloaded the FTO, we set off to get some cheap fags and decided to meet the recovery truck on route just outside the French border.

We met up and headed towards the ferry terminal.  The AA had already alerted P&O that we were coming and they had got us all on the next boat.  The journey was over.  We boarded the ferry, glad we had stayed as a pack and not left any wounded behind.  I feel we have made some lifetime friends in this trip.

SAVAGE

GRUFF

FIVE / 5 / MARC

0 / PURTY MOUTH / JAMES

HILL / RICHY

BILLY / WESTY (Being licked by 5)

JON, 5, 0, KELLY (L-R)

DAVE THE RAVE & JO RICHARDSON

As always, please leave feedback on here, or mail us at floppythrottle@live.co.uk

We are now hitting 5,000 readers a month so to all of you, thank you.  If you have been following this, then please get in touch to let me know your thoughts.  Alternatively, if you are looking for an advertisement with a difference, please get in touch as well.

The improved car will be at Ford Fair, Silverstone so if you happen to be there, please say hi.

Cheers and I have enjoyed re-living this.

Savage.


I'm going to carry on the blog, but it may go off on tangents about my life not just the scum.